The Horrors of 2016

By Michael Dalton

Without a doubt, the trainwrecks of 2016 were a-plenty, but this collection had me doubting the industry’s future….

1. Absolutely Fabulous The Movie: The premiere screening in Brisbane of this horrid mistake got off to a sorry start when we were forced to share the cinema with two terrible drag queens who proceeded to stumble around the cinema imitating the heroines of the once hysterical BBC series. The movie followed suit as we watched Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley try to resurrect two of the funniest characters on television and very nearly shatter all that was once great about the series. An embarrassment for all concerned.
2. Café Society: Like Jennifer Saunders, Woody Allen latest effort nearly ruined all that had gone before in his enviable career. With top-notch production values (it may be the most handsome film of 2016), the miscast Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart flailed madly trying to make the dismal material sing but it was one flat note after another. Even Steve Carell, fine here as always, couldn’t save it.
3. The Conjuring 2: With liberal dollops of The Exorcistand The Amityville Horror clumsily mashed together, the usually engaging Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson lost at sea, and a criminal running time of 134 minutes, this terrible sequel directed by the usually capable James Wan appeared in ghostly form for one reason only: The first one, a genuinely eerie creepshow, was a hit. Like the increasingly weak Insidious franchise, expect more…or less.
4. Inferno: What on earth? Or heaven? Tom Hanks returned to the moldy role of Robert Langdon, he was again directed by Ron Howard whose bag of tricks is obviously empty, and Felicity Jones tagged along for a mind-numbing chase-me-catch-me pile of historically based nonsense that should never have left the editing room, much less made it in. This is the kind of movie where you make up your own dialogue.
5. Hail, Caesar!: I was stunned to see this painfully unfunny misfire turn up on anyone’s best-of list. Missing in action was the, usually, most exciting reason to see anything by the Coen brothers: A Story. Look high, look low, and while you’re at it, try and find a point to this drivel that utilises some of the most exciting names in the business. Cynicism is obviously the name of the game, as with any movie set in Hollywood, but give us a hook, a joke, something…
6. Deadpool: Brilliantly marketed with Ryan Reynolds plastered across the side of buses everywhere looking sexy as all get out in his form-fitting tights, the promise was a superhero movie that would flip the bird at the rest. By the end where that old chestnut, a race against time, reached its climax, we realised we’d been had. Here comes another one just like the other ones. So coy, so hyped, so unoriginal.
7. Underworld: Blood Wars: Maybe not the worst but only because it’s so hysterically funny. Watch the supposedly aggressive warriors making clumsy entrances that Will remind you of Grandma needing the toilet really bad, listen to all the gobbledegook about “The Chosen One”, and all that rigmarole that we expect from these silly vampire/where-the-wolf vehicles that are acted with such reverence, so full of intrigue and betrayal, and so dastardly, all we can do is sit back and watch it collapse. And watch for the stunning Kate Beckinsale left for dead, only to return with a stunning makeover complete with a fetching fur wrap. What is the fabulous Charles Dance doing mixed up in this mess?
8. The Shallows: Goodness me Blake Lively is a hot little tootsie. Beautiful in a fleeting appearance in Café Society(Eisenberg marries her but inexplicably still lusts for sulky Stewart), she is stunning here in her one- woman show as Nancy, a leaner-than-lean bikini-clad lone surfer who becomes the prey of the dumbest shark in movie history. Director Jaume Collet-Serra tries valiantly to maintain the tension but it finally fails due to the lamest resolution of the year when Nancy tricks the man-eater into a kamikaze death dive to beat them all.
9. Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice: With high-tech visuals, a bulked up Ben Affleck, and the always delicious Amy Adams, Zack Snyder’s bloated adventure unfortunately stars that Eisenberg boy (again) who is obviously suffering karmic retribution for appearing in those ridiculous Now You See Me thingamjigs about naughty magicians. His Lex Luthor, all nervous tics and silly speech stutters, is something to avoid. This deadly, dull, brainless, immature eyesore made $293 million dollars. After suffering through the director’s cut, I wanted my own cut.